Thank you Jane, and Karen, and Pugknits I am feeling a lot better. There is that saying about a hard fall resulting in an even higher bounce? Somehow that sounds too much like manic depression, lol. Anyway, the confluence of three things produced this, and two are easing up.
#1.My mother died when she was the age I just turned. I realize that had an affect I'm still dealing with. There is that Nostalgia, with a capital N, for all my mother was in her gentle, unassuming life. Hers was a life filled with taking good care of any little living thing, green or otherwise, that passed through her hands.
#2. This weird, tenacious virus that sneaks up on your immune system when you've turned your back and gets you yet again.
#3. The daily drenching in bad news. That flow has been cut off at the source. It has died the death it deserved.
I got some new sock needles today, (Yeay!) and lunch out (Lovely chow mein noodles) with DSis and DH was nice as well. We took time to watch the puffy white clouds sail by in the big blue sky. Sometimes the Earth just calls to it's children with such a soothing voice that you can't ignore it. It seems to be saying, "Look at what I made for your enjoyment my Darlings!". What a good mother is Mother Earth.
My mother died three years ago. My grandmother died a year later. That sense of nostalgia is a powerful one, and the maternal thing of nurturing. I have a wonderful husband, but he can't match that enveloping acceptance that those two women had for me. Even after I became an adult, I realize now I never got over needing the security that comes from the people who loved me unconditionally, who Took Care Of me, who lit up when I was around just because I was me and they loved me.
ReplyDeleteThat nostalgia is around because that sense of love and love lost never really goes away, I'm afraid. But it's good to have the memories. :-)
Your mother passed on to your hands the gift of healing and creating and you, in turn, have passed it along to your daughters. This gift has such forward momentum, a slow rippling out of the circle, that those memories really can never be stilled. Keep creating those ripples.. you cannot do otherwise, and you will find ourself healed in the process.
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ReplyDeleteeep, i tried to fix my typo and couldn't. just note that "ourself" should be "yourself"
ReplyDeleteJessie, I know in my heart you are right about that unconditional love that a mother has for a child leaving traces that never leave. I hope that your memories sustain you. I know you still miss your mother and grandmother. After after all these years, I miss mine. Love never dies, they say, and, for all of us, I hope it's true.
ReplyDeleteThough I miss my Mom, I dream about her so often that I swear I can feel her presence when I awake, or if the sunlight is coming in a certain window where she liked to stand, or I'm standing in the great room where I was standing when I heard her say "goodbye" the night before she died. Floods of memories are good to have but learning to not let them make you blue is a good thing, too. I'll remember to be thankful for them
Annie, you probably know I'm still on a roller coaster. I love your very evocative ripples imagery. I will keep working on getting my balance back. One tends to forget that it's very important to not lose the smaller more personal picture of kindnesses and other emotional gifts given in daily life, especially when the huge and ugly monsters come and try to sit on one's head or chest.