Bits and Pieces while slipping sideways for awhile...This is not meant to be poetry, just a closely fitted list of self observation, over the weeks, while recovering some sanity. I remind myself that every single day at least 150,000 humans die.
And, I know, just from reading about them, that there are humans all over the world who remember to pray for you. We are a huge family.
I understand the rules of Thursday Thirteen to say that no polite topic is prohibited. Well, I wanted to trace my healing process because some is universal and some is unique to an individual. Some may be helpful to others.
1. I cannot read a book any more ...
2. Nor can I let my mind be idle. It hurls the Past, and it's images, at me when I want it to be still, totally silent and let what's left of this Self recover. Only then will I want to remember. Then, not now.
3. I'm sometimes wishing to fold the " me " that's left into a tiny origami dart of light and just warp speed away, so I....
4. ...stare out at the garden, wanting to be out there, digging and firmly grounded.
5. I am forgetting my words a lot more, with a mind that's at the door marked with a big Question Mark on it, and completely unfocused.
6. I don't dream anymore.. but...then
7. neither do I draw or sketch.
8. I wish this body could live on air, or moonlight. This "Whisp" existence that Life - with a capital L - dropped our family into should be lived as ethereally as possible. Things might be easier to deal with as a Buddhist. It might start making more sense. One thing this separation did was make me think of the words of Jesus, that the Kingdom of Heaven was all around us but we perceived it not.
And Though I....
9. ...just don't believe in miracles anymore....
10. I do hope, with all my heart, that miracles do happen, and others may still receive them.
11. I can laugh but am only just beginning to smile a little bit again.
12. Today I watched the film called "Happy" and it helped. We had watched it a year or so, and I went looking for it last week.
13. After doing so, I'm feeling like I have a lot more company, and well, sort of like I've been "hugged". You may like it, too.