~~ "The Heart Hath its Own Memory" ~~
William Wordsworth Longfellow

~♥~ “Nobody would do anything if they knew what they were in for.” ~♥~
Coyote Angel
Milagro Beanfield War

~♥~"If you don't Laugh, you just gotta cry."~♥~

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Thursday13: Recovering

 Bits and Pieces while slipping sideways for awhile...

This is not meant to be poetry, just a closely fitted list of self observation, over the weeks, while recovering some sanity.  I remind myself that every single day at least 150,000 humans die.

And, I know, just from reading about them, that there are humans all over the world who remember to pray for you.  We are a huge family.

I understand the rules of Thursday Thirteen to say that no polite topic is prohibited.  Well, I wanted to trace my healing process because some is universal and some is unique to an individual.  Some may be helpful to others.

1. I cannot read a book any more ...

2. Nor can I let my mind be idle.  It hurls the Past, and it's images, at me when I want it to be still, totally silent and let what's left of this Self recover.  Only then will I want to remember.  Then, not now.

3. I'm sometimes wishing to fold the " me " that's left into a tiny origami dart of light and just warp speed away, so I....

4. ...stare out at the garden, wanting to be out there, digging and firmly grounded.

5. I am forgetting my words a lot more, with a mind that's at the door marked with a big Question Mark on it, and completely unfocused.

6. I don't dream anymore.. but...then

7. neither do I draw or sketch.

8. I wish this body could live on air, or moonlight.  This "Whisp" existence that Life - with a capital L - dropped our family into should be lived as ethereally as possible. Things might be easier to deal with as a Buddhist.  It might start making more sense.  One thing this separation did was make me think of the words of Jesus, that the Kingdom of Heaven was all around us but we perceived it not.
And Though I....

9. ...just don't believe in miracles anymore....

10. I do hope, with all my heart, that miracles do happen, and others may still receive them.

11. I can laugh but am only just beginning to smile a little bit again.

12. Today I watched the film called "Happy"  and it helped.  We had watched it a year or so, and I went looking for it last week.

13. After doing so, I'm feeling like I have a lot more company, and well, sort of like I've been "hugged".  You may like it, too.


  1. I so get so much of this- have experienced at lot of loss lately and it seems I only live by millimeters

    1. Yes, I understand, Sandyland. You are crawling, but you are moving. I feel this way, too. Sometimes when putting another hand forward, it's the edge of a black hole and Whoopsie, you're back in it!

  2. Grief gives trauma and grace together. I has deepened me but the scars have also hardened me to some extent. I'm sending a big virtual hug.

    1. Yes, exactly, you get a little hardened each time. Thank you for that hug and I'll pass it along to my family as well. We really miss Elle a lot, and we missed my mom, too. but she just up and died in her sleep, no five month of terror and pain, and a real blessing.

  3. I totally hear where you are coming from!! Sending you a hug! Your writing will help you through the grief!

    1. Hugs are always sweet and healing exchanges, and they actually do help. As everyone tells the grieving, Time is the real healer, and if my mom's death is any indication, that is true about time.
      I'm hoping to write happier things again, but for now, I'm going to take a break from it. There's a great need to refocus these scattered neurons.

  4. Sometimes happy needs to go to sleep whilst we deal with the deck that life has tossed at us. I appreciate your sharing and the opportunity to tell you that you are a wonderful person and I am glad that I've gotten to know you a little through the memes and our blogs. And another virtual hug for you - from me - and I hope you know that though we may never meet, our souls sometimes spy one another as we sleep. Take care of yourself.

    1. Thank you, CountryDew. Yeah, I think happy has to go to sleep for now.
      Thank you for the lovely hug, all your kind words, too, and hugs back. And souls do go on littele journeys; I'm with you on that feeling, too. Be back sometime or other.

  5. Time. Yes, time. And vibes. I'm sending positive vibes. Feel them.

    1. Thank you for those vibes, Ron. They feel so gentle and caring. Take care and I'll see you guys in a few.

  6. Wow. That is quite the post. I recognize all of it.
    Silence is the worst, you are right. My anti-silence is audiobooks or the TV being on.
    It gets better with time, but it's a long haul.
    Wishing you a smile, and sending you a firm, long hug.

  7. Karen, I knew you would, and thank you for your help in talking me through this "new territory".
    I worry most now for her caregivers - her partner in life, Tim, and her closest sister, Bee. She and Bee were like twins, being so close in age.


I love comments. However, since I am not blogging as much anymore, I can no longer accept Anonymous comments. Thank you for understanding...

Wishing you " ♥A Sufficiency of all good things♥."