Sorry Folks. I lost all the pictures in a fight between the page and the Evil Wall-Eyed Google Giant. Guess who won.
Trump: Coal Safe to Eat, Drink and Make Sweet, Sweet Love to
In
an executive order issued early today, President Donald Trump
encouraged all Americans to embrace the fossil fuel known as coal,
which, as he tweeted at 2:34 a.m., is a healthy source of everything.
Outside its obvious use for generating electricity, the miracle
substance can also be sautéed, broiled or fried -- or even liquefied and
consumed as an energy beverage, tweeted the commander-in-chief.
In addition, according
to the executive order, the black, combustible sedimentary rock can be
converted to a powder and sprinkled into the marital bed to spice up
tired romance.
"I promise you, you'll
absolutely love it. It's the best thing for America. Sprinkle it on your
toast, rub it on your body... If you miss out... sad!"
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White House Issues 'How to Talk' Guides for Employees
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The
Trump administration sent a new guide to all 4.2 million federal
employees this week with helpful guidance on how to talk. Not only are
"global warming" and "climate change" banned from use -- "These are
antiquated ideas for nerds and crybabies," the guide says -- but so are
phrases like "the science shows that...," "public health" and "the
Russians."
"The Trump administration loves
freedom, and we want you to speak freely, but only with the right
words," the guide's introduction says. "You heard the president say it
during the campaign. He's got the best vocabulary, the best words, so
let's follow his example!"
Other guidance for speeches and
government documents calls for a mandatory, 80-percent increase in the
use of "great," "jobs" and "great, bigly jobs."
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Wildlife Hastily Adopting 'Apocalypse-proof' Mutations
A
new study reveals that, since Nov. 8, 2016, several American wildlife
species have begun to rapidly evolve mutations to gird against potential
apocalypse.
"It's the damndest
thing," said one federal wildlife scientist, who would only speak
anonymously because she's not sure whether scientists are still allowed
in the Trump administration. "It's as if they know something we don't."
Pikas, possums and
raccoons have all been observed with emerging outer shells capable of
withstanding a nuclear blast. Dolphins have started to develop skin
impermeable to spilled oil. Migratory birds have departed for Canada and
not returned.
Other species, including
some humans, have been observed simply huddling in dark, quiet places.
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Reclassified as Condiment, Prairie Dogs Can Be Eaten
In
an attempt to capitalize on the popularity of late President Ronald
Reagan -- whose Department of Agriculture famously attempted to classify
relish as a vegetable in order to cut corners on children's school
lunches -- the Trump White House has declared various rare and tasty
species, including prairie dogs, to actually be condiments.
The prairie dogs can now
be gobbled at will in combination with hamburgers, sloppy Joes and
frankfurters, the White House said. In addition, since the small, fat
mammals can be difficult to catch, condiment-gathering methods -- which
traditionally have been limited to tomato harvest, mustard farming, etc.
-- will soon be expanded, in consultation with the NRA.
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And a happy April Fools Day to you!
ReplyDeleteThank you!
ReplyDelete